missed

list of missed disappointed in self vignettes
1.disappointed, when we came upon an accident, seymour went to see it, came back thumbs down as the driver was dead, we then continued on our trip
2. same or different trip, we pulled in to get gas, very hot day, children in the car, and another car with young boys, perhaps military recruites as we were near 29 palms. one opened the hood, and lifted the radioator cap off, causing it to spew forth scalding rusty water all over the young man who took the cap off. He hosed himself off with cool water, but was burned, we did not stop to offer advice or ice him down, we got gas and we left.
3. people that I don't want to call, Marta Burga and her sister, who is here with out much family assistance, and I just don't want to get involved. Don't know why they are lovely kids.

4.

the baby is coming,
jedidiah is going to get a siser. born in neal, adapted by paul and danielle, they got word finally that all the adoption papers for both america and nepal are in order and the baby can begin her ife withher new parents and sibling, jed.
Felice, lost her dad a short while ago, her hounger sisetrs tried to steal mney from their mother, by forging social security numbers on loan documents against the house her mother lives in. He dog had to be put down because it bit her mother savgely in the face and swallowed the flesh.
monty challenged smokey, who claims that mnety is viciusl. I think smoke is vicous and he taunts the dog. his dog apocolype is well rained ut a pit bull, smokey scares me. monty sniffed agt him and backed off when i CALLed him. Monty is gentle by nature but like all men will not back down from rough play or an agressive challenge. if people are gentel with him he is gentle back, but challenge him and he will be right there. he so reminds me of Seymour in this regard. I swear that this dog is a composite of seymour and judah. I love him so. He is so handsome and a wonderful friend.
Leah and hustle, the pit bull,
Ann with tuxedo the poodle, who doesn't listen to her. she is dating an old man
Cynthia with hONI and honey her husband,
Jennifer with Lincoln a black lab and a brand new baby
lynn with gracie,
millicent with a standard poodle name remmington, and husbnd stanley
martha and monty.
can't forget mamel with his dog gorki, who loves monty, the play beautifully,

shirley with her poodle she hates mamel calls him that arab
the librarian and mary with their five dogs. they are in the park by seven am,
david the guy on the bike white haired and with his dog
Ruth the historian with her black and white Clara, who can't stop peeing when she greets you.
the tall lady who wears biker shorts even when its freezing
sharon with billy a white miniature poodle mix who is always in her arms, while her other dog runs around with enough energy for two
sharon sounds like a new yorker, thin, owns a clothing store knows ecery one
Fouad with his dog that looks like gorky but is much more aggresssive. plays hard, mnty loves to play with him
josh with his two boxers, nutmeg and, and his wife and baby devon
dagne with her owner who smokes does crossword puzzles while waiting for her to run with the other dogs.

Millicent and Remington

Monty ate a whole chocolate chip chala to retaliate for my going out in the evening with out him. Comparing losses is not a thing to do. It minimzes each persons loss and roubles, yet, it is something to do when esablisheing new friendshis. Do I have room in my heart for any oneelses roubles. On the surface every thing is wonderful for her

Mydog life, Mamel with Grocky, monegtys love girls, smile missing a mola, watch cap over close cropped dark hair, five five mediu build, wears shorts een thogh its cold. gfeen cargo pants shorts. He asks me if I eat in oly kosher retausrants, I tell him I am going out for dinner, he wants an invitatio. He is a zorastoriam, universailits no religuous, spiritual man, who has been messed up while in the service. Iranian by birth, waier of the world by history, entered into my life thru monty. He saw me sgruggle with me dog, when he was stilla foundling. I invige him and his dog intomy yard to socialize mneyt. the dogs playedwell, my grief was raw, mamel felt its his role to help tansform me. grief doesn't go away I toldhim, it clings like the smell of shit long after the feces has gone away. I am writing on Judah's coputer, the one we boughthim to use in thehospital. he became too weak to even write onit. Iused it as partof an office for a while while he lay comoagse he had tubes in and out, the com;uter had wires. this was m life line to santity, hiswires failed while hey susained him for a while they ultimately only took outthe fluidsof life from him

Its a long time since I satdown,waitingforthe creative muse tovisit. Perhaps the invitation was not sincere enough. The underlying wantwas there but the offer was weak perhaps.Like weak cold tea, itjust doesn'thit the spot. Writing is a bitl ike lying.you make up stories, fabricate the truth, embellish the actions, season the language, change the tempo, and voila a new story outs itself.

Here goes,

New friends, new life. Itsfouryears since Seymour died, four years since I heard your voice . to night the phone rang and only myvoiuce was thebounce back. I believe that it was you trying to say hello. Ido believe it, even if Iheard it from a novel about a murdered young girl. The wind is howling tonight, north wind cold, and frigid, much like thedayI buried you. It was so cold, I was worried about Judah. He had just come home from the hospital. Now he is gone and I worry about Benjamin. He is38 and no prospects in sight, much promise but alas no delivery. Ihope this changes soon.

Judah dieda month after turning 39. You died a monthbefore our 39th anniversary, do Idare saywhat I fear now, Do Ihave thecourage to write thewords that scare me. Writing needs honesty, but it alsow isthe art ful dodger, onecan write aboutand around the issue. The sword of fear keeps mefrom spitting out that 39 seems horrid,and I am praying thru alissa's 39th and Benji's turning 39. There Isaid it,does ithave the dramitic impactI was hopingfor? no, it soundssilly, sowritingcanalso diminish the impact ofthefear.


Diminish lesson, that isreallywhat has happened tous, we are diminished by ourlosses, "wehave"lessoned" learned a few olouslylessons here alongtheway.No sense is made apparent tome. No great epipahny, just continued unraveling ofthe sweater that held usall together huddled in warmth. Theyearn is being respooled, andnonew sweater isbeingmade yet.


Ihear knockingat onthedoors, the orange tree isloosing itsorgances totheblowing ofthewind, the pool has waves in it,Monty , the dog,mynew best friend, has curled up on thecouch hisnose tucked into his tail.Hedoesn'tjumpat thesoundsthat make me wantto check tomake sureall thewindows areshut tight. I keepaflashlighthandyas I thinkwemighthavea powerfailure
Alissa is with Marc tonight. Ihear the sirens, must they scooted down motor ave. giving me a snese of relief that the emergency is not in my back yard.

Oh how Iwish youcould see the yard,thehouse painted, thenew furniture, Ithink youwould like it.

I am scaring myself, my attemptsat honestyaretoo painful. Iwillendnow withall mylove.

first draft

I could not sleep
I could not weep
twin stars in the night sky
shine
one seymour, one Judah
the big diper cup full of night
little dipper outlined

my shadow cast by the torch light my neighbor uses to get rid of the darkness
the moon more than half but less than full stands to my left, while my neighbors porch light casts a torch to get rid of the darkness.
I watch the stars, now bright and strong.
I watch the a thin veil of cloud come along to escort the stars in privacy into the early morning. I stand in my sleeping clothing, too thin against the embracing dampness of the night. I raise both my arms to reach out to you, hoping you could touch my fingertips.

Monty is by my side. His shadow dances with mine as we move along the porch. I did not know that shadows occurs in moonlight, but perhaps its nothing more than the shadow cast by the porch light. It doesn't matter much. Your stars are still there, moving away as the earth moves along its route.

Soon I won't see your twinkle, the sun will up, beautiful, you will move into the shadows of my mind, as the light of the day lets other thoughts take their place in the world order.

my grief only grows as the day begins, contained to the outside perhaps,
as the days go by and we get further apart in time, the grief gets larger, just like the night sky, first a few stars, then the complete blanket of midnight color speckled with light, then the dark coverlet gets lighter and the stars fade into the sunrise.

My loves return to me soon, I look for signs of you every where, shooting stars, twinkling stars, shadows, wind, whispers,